


The Truth Hurts More Than The Deception

by Merchant



Series: Raven Revisited [9]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Blue Lily Lily Blue Spoilers, Christian guilt, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Pynch references thrown on for good measure, Ronan Lynch & Blue Sargent Friendship, Ronan Lynch POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 01:47:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4372448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merchant/pseuds/Merchant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ronan was sure that he had perfected the design of his façade, but had he really? Why is it that things tend to break down at the worst possible times?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth Hurts More Than The Deception

**Author's Note:**

> I've noticed that it's quite easy for me to do Ronan writings, since I identify with him the most. The reason I've focused on both Ronan and Adam in my writings, is because I relate to the two of them. I don't think I can truly capture the essence of the other characters within my writings, so I'll try to do my best with these two raven boys. So, here's a Ronan POV writing based on the events of Blue Lily. Hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> **The Raven Cycle, and it's characters, are the sole property of Maggie Stiefvater. I am the sole owner of this writing.**

When Ronan was younger, his father had told him that liars were the kinds of people that would stab you in the back, and then kill your entire family. His mother had told him that Ronan didn’t have to worry about that kind of thing, since he didn’t have the face of a pariah, and his eyes told stories that his words could not. Now that one of them was gone, and the other trapped within Cabeswater, Ronan Lynch wasn’t sure if he could trust his mother’s words. He had sworn to himself that he would never lie to anyone, and he never had. However, instead of lying, Ronan became plagued with wearing a metaphorical mask of the pariahs he’d learned about. That mask, which hid his true self from the rest of the world. That mask, which Ronan was trying to keep the pieces of together, but found it more and more difficult to do.

As many times as he succeeded in keeping the mask in place, Ronan found himself losing its hold on him every time he was alone with Adam. It happened every time he _thought_ about Adam, those guilty, shameful thoughts that should’ve caused him to be set ablaze every Sunday when he sat in the pews with his brothers at St. Agnes. He remembered Kavinsky’s death, and found it ironic how _he_ was the one that went down in flames. _It should’ve been me._ This thought would show up in his head every time he looked at Adam, only for a moment. It was there now, as Ronan stood under one of the many trees within Cabeswater, staring at Blue. This was a different look he gave to her, than the look he would give in Adam’s direction. With Blue, Ronan could hide behind his armor, could hide the _jealousy_. He found himself constantly asking himself what it was about Blue that attracted Adam to her. While he did that, he told himself that he shouldn’t be envious of Blue, because envy would help shatter the mask, it would break his armor. The blue lily petals floating about didn’t help him though; it was like Blue was doing this because she _knew_ how Ronan felt. _She doesn’t know, she can’t know. I’m good at keeping my secrets._

Inside of the cave only moments later, Ronan willed himself to push back his impure thoughts and feelings, because he didn’t want to risk giving himself away without meaning to. He focused on his whistling, on the cave walls as he walked along with the rest of the group. Then, one of the three dim lights ahead of him went out, and Ronan felt the line tug. He heard Adam hit the ground, and without hesitation, he grabbed Blue’s arms, holding her there. _Where the hell did Gansey just go? Fuck, why wasn’t I behind Parrish? I could’ve prevented him from falling. I hope he’s all right. If this maggot got hurt, Gansey and Parrish would never forgive me._ Ronan felt as selfish as his thoughts were, since he didn’t want to admit that he only tolerated Blue because the others did. He didn’t hate her, and he considered her a friend of course, but there was that one ugly word that screamed into his head whenever he thought of Blue, _competition._ Ronan forced these thoughts back, and let the mask crumble just a bit, because he really _was_ concerned with the safety of the other three.

Cabeswater had always been something familiar to Ronan Lynch, so he knew what Cabeswater was capable of doing. When Adam had hinted at what Gansey was seeing, what Gansey feared, that mask fell off completely, and Ronan threw off his invisible armor. _Not hornets. Not hornets. Not fucking hornets. It’s bullshit, there are no hornets here!_ “No. Do you hear me, Cabeswater? You promised to keep me safe. Who are we to you? Nothing? If you let him die, that is _not keeping me safe._ Do you understand? If they die, I die, too.” He didn’t consider the fact that he was _pleading_ , but he needed Gansey to be safe. Once the ravens flew out of the hole, shouting at them, Ronan felt humiliated that he had allowed the others to hear him break the façade for a short instant. Ronan picked up that invisible mask, and the armor as well, and willed it back onto his being, hoping that none of the others would remind me that he almost lost both of those things.

Several weeks after this cave visit, Ronan was back at 300 Fox Way, with the others. He saw Mr. Gray was there, and he just went to the window. He would never forget that this man had killed his father, and it had taken Ronan a lot of musings, and distractions, before his bloodlust had died out. So, once Mr. Gray revealed that Colin Greenmantle, their new Latin teacher, was his “employer”, and had ordered Mr. Gray to kill Niall Lynch, Ronan’s bloodlust was back in full force. “I’m going to kill him.” He didn’t have to think twice about it, he _really wanted_ to go find Greenmantle right then. As Mr. Gray kept trying to talk him out of it, Ronan’s rage only grew. Once Adam was mentioned, Ronan’s armor was struck again, and he lost control of that mask just a bit. “Would you be willing to go to prison for the satisfaction of killing him?” Mr. Gray had asked. No, Ronan was _not_ willing to go to prison. He had come close to prison many times, and many times he was spared. This time, he wouldn’t be. To avoid letting his mask fall again, Ronan stormed out of 300 Fox Way, before the others would notice how that mask had cracked again.

Ronan eventually lost his bloodlust for Greenmantle, but he knew it would come back if he saw the man again. So, he stopped showing up for Latin class, figuring he knew enough to pass the class, since he still was the top student. He let that smugness shield the mask, making it easier to hold onto. He decided to test it out, as he dragged Adam out to the Barns, to show him the experimentations he had been doing with trying to wake up his father’s dream animals. However, just as it had happened before, the mask of Ronan’s façade broke while in Adam’s presence yet again. _Why did I even bother trying? I’m giving myself away every time we’re alone._

The night Blue had disappeared had been an interesting night for Ronan. Seeing Gansey worrying, how Calla and he took turns either calling the police, or calling Adam, was quite amusing to Ronan. As Ronan drove around in his BMW, not really bothering to join in the search, he let himself think about Blue for a few moments. She was a _friend_ ; he had to keep telling himself that. Ronan was sure that Blue would show up again at some point, but at the same time, he considered other less polite options. Was she kidnapped? Did she run away? The thought that Ronan was finally rid of the _competition_ crept into his mind, but he immediately shoved that thought aside. For all that it was worth, Blue was like a sister he never had. He had grown up with brothers, with the only feminine presence being his mother. Ronan thought of Blue in a similar way that he thought of Matthew, that she needed protection. Blue Sargent had successfully triggered Ronan’s protective nature, and Ronan had to give her props for that. In that moment, Ronan decided fully that he would rid himself of his jealousy over her. There was nothing going on with her and Adam, and Adam had been spending a lot of time with him, so there was no more need of jealousy. It was then that Gansey called to say that they had found Blue, so he could go back to Monmouth. _Just like I thought, the maggot came crawling right back._

This protective instinct of Ronan’s made itself aware again once they were all inside the cave behind Jesse Dittley’s house. Chainsaw had started singing that dreaded song, and then she flew off deeper into the cave. Ronan panicked immediately, and his true colors revealed themselves for yet another time. He was worried that he had lost her, his precious dream animal. He had a strong attachment to her, having raised her like his own child, so he wasn’t about to let whatever was in that cave have Chainsaw. Ronan made sure to let the person in the cave know this, as he kicked that tomb door open. “That was for taking my bird.” _That was for almost ruining my image as well, you bastard._

It was days later, while at Aglionby, that Ronan’s true colors decided to make themselves known yet again. All it took was seeing those tiles falling towards Adam, and Ronan was immediately concerned, for all of a few moments. As the tiles crashed, Ronan called out to Adam, then immediately regretted it. _Shit, not again. All right, stop it. Adam isn’t hurt, Cabeswater had to have protected him. Cabeswater knows that I won’t allow Adam to be put in danger._ He had been right; Cabeswater _did_ protect Adam from harm. Arrogance became the newest shield for the façade, and Ronan let the arrogance envelop his being, let it fix the small crack in his armor. “I told you. Magician,” he said with certainty. _My favorite magician, Adam Parrish._

Ronan had gotten pretty good at keeping his façade strong; he knew how to repair it when it was starting to break. So he wasn’t prepared for the ultimate blow to his armor, for the very thing that had caused him to build, shape, and mold this façade to show itself again. While in that cave, the one where Gansey had fallen, where Gansey and Adam were almost lost to him, Ronan saw his dead father’s body again, reflected in a lake. He saw the blood on his father’s face, the indent where his head had been smashed in. It wasn’t fair, why did it have to happen _again_? Why did Ronan have to relive this moment _all over again_? No, it wasn’t real. His father was long gone, and Ronan knew Cabeswater had not taken his father away.

Still, as he pulled Blue away from her own awful vision, as Ronan held her close, protectively, resting his head on her shoulder, Ronan allowed himself to shed a tear. Holding Blue like this reminded Ronan of how he would hold Matthew the same way. Thinking about Matthew reminded Ronan that he had _dreamed_ Matthew into life, and so Matthew needed more protection. Ronan thought of how he wished he could hold Adam like this, how easy it seemed. He thought of how Adam would never allow him to get this close, and it reminded him, again, of how shameful he was for even _wanting_ something like that.

“You know, you’re not such a shithead,” Blue had told him right then. “No, really I am,” Ronan had replied back, because it was true. _I am_ more _than a shithead. I am scared, completely and utterly scared, because I know I’m going to lose everything. I’m going to lose everything, and everyone, I care about the most. Just like Dad._

As Ronan sat in the darkness that followed Blue’s departure, he didn’t try to repair the façade. No one was around to see him as he was then, so there was no point. Ronan looked around, seeing nothing but the black surrounding him. _This is where I will end up. Right here, with nothing. No friends, no family, nothing. There will just be the silence, the eternal silence. This place will hold all of my secrets, and it will erase my existence from the world for good._ He thought he heard his name just then, but who would be calling out to him from this silent prison? Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Ronan realized it was Blue calling out to him, telling him to go back. _Go back? Can I go back? Who am I kidding, of course I want to fucking go back._

Ronan stood up, and began to walk back the way he had come with Blue. _Go back_. It was two simple words, but those words held such power. This power led Ronan out of the cave, out of the darkness and into the light. He saw the relieved faces of Gansey and Adam as they came to greet him, and was warmed by seeing such a reaction. However, he wasn’t about to let the others know how happy he was to be cared about, so Ronan took a mental note to find a way to strengthen his façade, and make sure that it would be completely unbreakable, even to Ronan himself.


End file.
